I am - You Are

I'd like to share a thought from my journal that contrasts what I am feeling or experiencing some of the time with what Jesus is All of the Time.

Yesterday, I spent most of my birthday alone and resting because I had a low grade fever and cold. On an ordinary day I would just ignore those symptoms and expect to heal on the go. But the chemo had caused my white blood cell counts to drop from 8.7 to 1.7 and I knew my body’s ability to fight infection was greatly compromised. During the day I wept as I realized that what I was experiencing after my first chemo treatment was going to be repeated for several months.

I am — You Are
By Fink Holloway
September 22, 2007

I don’t want to be so medicated.
I don’t want to be so nauseated.
I don’t want to be so constipated.
I don’t want to be so isolated.
I don’t want to feel so frustrated.

But sometimes

I am.

But God, when I consider who you are
Not just who you are today, but every day,
I know I can still trust you.

You are my Savior.
You are my king.
You put a song in my heart
That I still want to sing.

You are the reason I can persevere with pure joy.
You give me a hope that nothing I face in this life could ever destroy.
You are my life jacket.
You are my peace.
You are the reason I can relax and find sweet release.

You know how to heal
You know when I call.
You know how many hairs are still on my head.
You know when they will all fall.

God, when I consider who
YOU ARE
Not just who you are today, but every day
I know I can still trust you.
And I do!

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Fink appreciates your support and prayers while she walks through the cancer experience.

Roxie Carlton

New Port, Chemo Appt

I had a new port implanted yesterday (Wednesday, 9/12/2007). That surgery went well, and I am planning to begin my chemo tomorrow afternoon (Friday, 9/14/2007). I plan to ride with Jerry to Springdale and work at the Schmieding Center in the morning. Then my friend Valerie is going to take me to the Highlands Oncolocy Group at 1:00. Jerry plans to meet us there. The treatment will take about 3 hours, but tomorrow I have to do blood work first and I expect it to take longer this first time.

I will be having a chemo treatment every three weeks for 6 weeks, so that takes me right up to the new year with the chemo. I expect to stay home from work when I feel like I have been hit by a freight train, and work when I feel like I can think clearly enough to contribute. Technically the cancer books don't say I will feel like I've been hit by a train, but some of the feed back from people who have been down that road gives that impression. If it is easier for me I'll be grateful. Whether it is a breeze or quite miserable, I know that I won't be facing it alone. The good Lord and dozens of you friends are travelling with me, and I am comforted by that!

One of the cards my mom sent had these words:
With God behind you and his arms beneath you, you can face whatever lies ahead of you! "Deuteronomy 33:27 Underneath are the everlasting arms."

Thanks for praying!

Gaze at the Lord

I expect to be at Washington Regional Hospital on Tuesday morning for pre-op work (paper work, blood work, e.k.g., etc,). Then on Tuesday afternoon I meet with a genetic counselor to help establish my risk factors. I meet with my oncologist after that to get the details about my first chemo treatment, discuss possible side effects and ask questions.

Wednesday I’ll be back at the hospital at 7:45am to get a port which will be used for the chemo. The MRI & sentinel node IVs caused an acute inflammatory response, so the port is needed before chemo—which should begin on Friday the 14. So keep me in your prayers.

My mother had breast cancer in 1988, and the poem I wrote then is relevant now for me.

Gaze at the Lord
By: Fink Holloway
July 27, 1988

When life isn't giving me its best
And I'm being put right to the test
It's easy to let my thoughts dwell on the trouble
But doing that makes it all seem to double.
So should I bury my head in the sand,
And pretend that all is great at hand?
No, but when facing reality I can't afford
To forget about my Sovereign Lord.
I'll glance at the trouble,
But gaze at the Lord.
I'll remember that He is the One adored.

Then, when life is awesome and great
Should I just enjoy myself and celebrate?
No, in health or success I still can't afford
To forget about my sovereign Lord.
I'll glance at this world,
But gaze at the Lord,
And remember that He is the One adored.

When I look at Him my priorities become right.
Things that won't last don't make me up tight.
If it won't even matter when we get up there
It shouldn't consume me--be a constant care.
Though I glance at this life,
I must gaze at the Lord
And remember that He is the One adored.

Whether you're happy or sad
Whether it's great or it's bad
Just glance at the circumstances.
Gaze at the Lord.
Remember, He is the One adored.

"Gaze at the Lord"
Copyright 1988:
Fink Holloway
22692 Hwy. 295
Wesley, AR 72773
479-456-2949

3 Tumors, Mastectomy Mandatory

I have 3 tumors with inflamatory ductal carcinoma that span 4.9 centimeters, and I have been told that a mastectomy is mandatory. Honestly, I expected to hear that recommendation after researching info on multiple tumors in the breast. My lumps are not "in situ" or cancer that is contained within the milk duct. It is invasive--spreading into the rest of the breast tissue, and I really would have felt uneasy if the doctory had recommended a lumpectomy. I asked if the mastectomy would eliminate the need for chemo, because some people do not require chemo if the cancer is contained in the breast.

To find the answer, I went to the surgery center on Friday and had a sentinal node biopsy to see if the cancer had spread to any lymph nodes. I learned today that it has. Dr. Cross removed 4 nodes and only one was positive for cancer. It is good news for me that most of the lymph nodes did not have cancer. But I am going to go ahead and have the chemo since it has begun to spread to other parts of my body. The chemo will preceed the mastectomy, and will begin as soon as we can get it scheduled. Monday is a holiday, so it will be Tuesday before calls can be made to schedule the
next thing.

Besides cancer I have another problem that I would love for you to pray about:

I had one I.V. for the MRI on Thursday and another I.V. Friday for the sentinel node surgery, and both sites became inflamed. The one from the MRI sent a red streak up my arm, and so I have been laying around with an ice pack in my arm pit for the incision, which is two inches across and 2 1/2 inches deep, and with a heating pad on my lower arm to try to aid in the healing of the phlebitis. The 2 for 2 pattern of problems occurring in my veins from an I.V. is rather disturbing especially when you consider all the "Bee Stings" that are in my future. Personally, I think they should call the needle pokes "flea bites" since I'm getting phlebitis from it. (ha!)

Dr. Cross said when a vein has an acute inflamatory response they can never use that vein for and I.V. again. So I probably am going to have to have a port to start the chemo.

Love you all and thanks again for praying!