From: Fink Holloway
Sent: Thursday, March 06, 2008 12:59 PM
Subject: Pure Joy Journey March 6, 2008
Lessons for a Teacher
I taught homeschool for 17 years, and at that time the three R’s were: Reading, Writing, and ‘Rithmetic. I hoped that once I got past chemo and surgery, my three R’s would be:
Rest, Recovery, and Reconstruction.
I did REST a lot the first two weeks after surgery. (The pain medication had a lot to do with my drowsiness.) My sister and other friends and relatives provided all the meals, did the housework and laundry. So I slept and ate, and slept and ate, and enjoyed my family and friends that came to visit. I especially enjoyed our grandchildren and Brayden. I haven’t tried to hold Brooklynn since I had surgery. As a two year old, she is big enough that her head could bump my chest while sitting in my lap, and I would hate to think what an elbow would feel like if she decided to jump down! I enjoyed watching her eat, play and drive our toy tractor. I did hold Josiah, the 8 month old, on the left side of my lap and I read a book him a few times before they went back to South Carolina. The love of family and friends is wonderful medicine!
One burst of joy came from Josiah. On a Sunday when all our family was together Janelle said, “Josiah has a late Valentine for all of you.” Then she turned Josiah around so we could read his shirt. It said, “I’m a Big Brother.” It took a moment for the message to sink it, but soon enough we learned that another baby is scheduled to join our family in September! Janelle and Joseph will have their hands full with two children under two, but they are delighted and we are too.
My RECOVERY has been taken longer than I expected. I was told that many women who have a mastectomy are able to return to work in three to six weeks. Being an optimist, I was hoping to get back to work at least part time in three weeks. But three weeks have come and gone and I still have one drain in place. And I have a cold! On Monday and on Tuesday of this week I had 32 cc of fluid. It has to measure less than 25 cc in a 24 hour period before the drain can be removed. Yesterday was better so maybe the last drain will get to come out this Friday. That would sure be nice. When I got the cold, the coughing not only increased my pain—it increased the fluid going to the drains.
But I am making progress. Dr. Atwood, my plastic surgeon removed one drain last Friday, Feb 29, and I saw also Dr. Beck, my oncologist. He recommended that I take Femara for five years. Femara is a rather expensive medication that inhibits estrogen (and causes hot flashes). It costs me a dollar for each tiny pill—which is smaller than saccharin--and the insurance company pays even more than I do!
RECONSTRUCTION has been moved to the back burner for now, and RADIATION is the ‘R’ that takes priority. Since I had 3 more lymph nodes with cancer, and my tumors spanned 4.9 cm before chemo, Dr. Cross scheduled me to go to NARTI to see a radiation oncologist. I met Dr. Ross yesterday, and I will be having 30 treatments of radiation.—5 a week for 6 weeks. I probably would have had the CT scan and gotten marked for radiation yesterday, (they actually mark the spot(s) with a Magic marker so a radiation therapist can aim at the right places), but since one drain and the stitches have not yet been removed, Dr. Ross scheduled that step for March 19. My radiation treatments should start March 24. Radiation should only take 20-30 minutes a day, including the time to wait and dress.
There are times when I have felt discouraged by the delays, the pain, and the need for additional treatments. Another person I know died from cancer recently: My brother-in-law’s Dad died February 29. Any time someone I love dies, I grieve for them. My heart is tender and I often feel grief for people I don’t know who were mentioned in the news. But since I am in the middle of my own battle with cancer, reports of deaths caused by cancer stir up the grief in a different way, and it is not comfortable.
Even so I have reasons to REJOICE this week: I have more energy and less pain. I have started driving the car again, so I am not so isolated. I am not coughing as much, and my hair is growing back! God knows the all about the challenges I will face with radiation, and I know He will be with me through that leg of the journey.
But the most important reason I REJOICE is because God is in control. He knows the number of my days. Hebrews 9:27 says: “It is appointed unto man once to die.” If I were the one in charge of scheduling my appointment with death, it would make sense for me to ponder the pros and cons of whether it will be sooner or later. But that is not my responsibility! The Scripture plainly tells me not to worry about tomorrow. None of us know whether we are going to live 50 more years or 5 more hours.
An athletic young man dropped dead after running a marathon in Little Rock last week. He was young. He seemed to be in excellent health. Paramedics were right there and immediately began giving him aid. But he could not be revived.
None of us know how many days we have left to serve the Lord, so it doesn’t hurt to stop and think: If this was my last day, would its memory be sweet? Have my words been kind? Or did they sound impatient? Did I make an effort to show the people that I do love them? Am I spending my time today in a way that honors the Lord?
Those questions remind me of questions I had when my father was approaching death. I had a conversation with God about my questions. Part of it became a song, and part is a conversation. I’ll share the lyrics here and later I’ll try to write music.
Sent: Thursday, March 06, 2008 12:59 PM
Subject: Pure Joy Journey March 6, 2008
Lessons for a Teacher
I taught homeschool for 17 years, and at that time the three R’s were: Reading, Writing, and ‘Rithmetic. I hoped that once I got past chemo and surgery, my three R’s would be:
Rest, Recovery, and Reconstruction.
I did REST a lot the first two weeks after surgery. (The pain medication had a lot to do with my drowsiness.) My sister and other friends and relatives provided all the meals, did the housework and laundry. So I slept and ate, and slept and ate, and enjoyed my family and friends that came to visit. I especially enjoyed our grandchildren and Brayden. I haven’t tried to hold Brooklynn since I had surgery. As a two year old, she is big enough that her head could bump my chest while sitting in my lap, and I would hate to think what an elbow would feel like if she decided to jump down! I enjoyed watching her eat, play and drive our toy tractor. I did hold Josiah, the 8 month old, on the left side of my lap and I read a book him a few times before they went back to South Carolina. The love of family and friends is wonderful medicine!
One burst of joy came from Josiah. On a Sunday when all our family was together Janelle said, “Josiah has a late Valentine for all of you.” Then she turned Josiah around so we could read his shirt. It said, “I’m a Big Brother.” It took a moment for the message to sink it, but soon enough we learned that another baby is scheduled to join our family in September! Janelle and Joseph will have their hands full with two children under two, but they are delighted and we are too.
My RECOVERY has been taken longer than I expected. I was told that many women who have a mastectomy are able to return to work in three to six weeks. Being an optimist, I was hoping to get back to work at least part time in three weeks. But three weeks have come and gone and I still have one drain in place. And I have a cold! On Monday and on Tuesday of this week I had 32 cc of fluid. It has to measure less than 25 cc in a 24 hour period before the drain can be removed. Yesterday was better so maybe the last drain will get to come out this Friday. That would sure be nice. When I got the cold, the coughing not only increased my pain—it increased the fluid going to the drains.
But I am making progress. Dr. Atwood, my plastic surgeon removed one drain last Friday, Feb 29, and I saw also Dr. Beck, my oncologist. He recommended that I take Femara for five years. Femara is a rather expensive medication that inhibits estrogen (and causes hot flashes). It costs me a dollar for each tiny pill—which is smaller than saccharin--and the insurance company pays even more than I do!
RECONSTRUCTION has been moved to the back burner for now, and RADIATION is the ‘R’ that takes priority. Since I had 3 more lymph nodes with cancer, and my tumors spanned 4.9 cm before chemo, Dr. Cross scheduled me to go to NARTI to see a radiation oncologist. I met Dr. Ross yesterday, and I will be having 30 treatments of radiation.—5 a week for 6 weeks. I probably would have had the CT scan and gotten marked for radiation yesterday, (they actually mark the spot(s) with a Magic marker so a radiation therapist can aim at the right places), but since one drain and the stitches have not yet been removed, Dr. Ross scheduled that step for March 19. My radiation treatments should start March 24. Radiation should only take 20-30 minutes a day, including the time to wait and dress.
There are times when I have felt discouraged by the delays, the pain, and the need for additional treatments. Another person I know died from cancer recently: My brother-in-law’s Dad died February 29. Any time someone I love dies, I grieve for them. My heart is tender and I often feel grief for people I don’t know who were mentioned in the news. But since I am in the middle of my own battle with cancer, reports of deaths caused by cancer stir up the grief in a different way, and it is not comfortable.
Even so I have reasons to REJOICE this week: I have more energy and less pain. I have started driving the car again, so I am not so isolated. I am not coughing as much, and my hair is growing back! God knows the all about the challenges I will face with radiation, and I know He will be with me through that leg of the journey.
But the most important reason I REJOICE is because God is in control. He knows the number of my days. Hebrews 9:27 says: “It is appointed unto man once to die.” If I were the one in charge of scheduling my appointment with death, it would make sense for me to ponder the pros and cons of whether it will be sooner or later. But that is not my responsibility! The Scripture plainly tells me not to worry about tomorrow. None of us know whether we are going to live 50 more years or 5 more hours.
An athletic young man dropped dead after running a marathon in Little Rock last week. He was young. He seemed to be in excellent health. Paramedics were right there and immediately began giving him aid. But he could not be revived.
None of us know how many days we have left to serve the Lord, so it doesn’t hurt to stop and think: If this was my last day, would its memory be sweet? Have my words been kind? Or did they sound impatient? Did I make an effort to show the people that I do love them? Am I spending my time today in a way that honors the Lord?
Those questions remind me of questions I had when my father was approaching death. I had a conversation with God about my questions. Part of it became a song, and part is a conversation. I’ll share the lyrics here and later I’ll try to write music.
“Questions”
From the summer of 2000
By: Fink Holloway
(The song begins at a slow tempo in a minor key
From the summer of 2000
By: Fink Holloway
(The song begins at a slow tempo in a minor key
with a very monotonous melody.)
Questions! Questions!
So many questions rushing through my mind.
Questions! Questions!
Difficult questions come at the difficult times:
Why did you let this happen God?
When will this problem ever end?
Will my loved one be all right?
Will he make it through the night?
What is the future going to bring?
Repeat, Repeat, Repeat……….
Questions! Questions!
So many questions rushing through my mind.
Questions! Questions!
Difficult questions come at the difficult times:
Why did you let this happen God?
When will this problem ever end?
Will my loved one be all right?
Will he make it through the night?
What is the future going to bring?
Repeat, Repeat, Repeat……….
I was awake a lot that night, and I probably ran through those questions a hundred times. There were many more questions that were not incorporated in the song linked to the line: “What is the future going to bring?” I also wondered: Are we going to be able to care for Daddy at home? Is he going to have to go to the hospital again? Will he have to go to a nursing home? What nursing home? How would we pay for it? How long is he going to linger? Why does he have to suffer? Will I be with him when he dies? I want to. When is he going die? Is my family going to be okay in Arkansas if I stay with Dad in Colorado for a long time? How long?.....
I had spent hours agonizing over these questions and had not found the answer to any of them when I heard God speak to me.
God: Fink! Fink, what are you doing?
Fink: I’m agonizing over these questions! Can’t you see? I have all these questions and I don’t know the answers. Would you help me? You know the answers to my questions. (I started the going through the list again when God interrupted me.)
God: Fink! Stop! You are on the wrong page.
Fink: Wrong page? What are you talking about?
God: Aren’t you a teacher?
Fink: Yes. You know I teach homeschool.
God: Would you expect a student to answer the questions on chapter 10 if you are studying chapter 1?
Fink: Of course not.
God: Neither do I and you are looking the wrong questions.
Fink: What do you mean: Wrong questions?
God: You’re not supposed to answer those questions tonight. You are on the wrong page.
Fink: Are you telling me I need to consider a different set of questions?
God: Yes!
Fink: Well, then what questions should I be asking?
In my mind I hear the music change from the minor key to major key and the melody God sings to me is simple and sweet:
God: How could you bring me glory? How could you bring me praise?
In my mind I interrupt his song and protest.
Fink: God! I don’t know how to bring you glory.
But God continued singing:
God: What could you do or say today to bring honor and glory my way?
Fink: Today? You want me to do something today that would bring you glory? I’m in the middle of a crisis! What could I possibly do that would honor you?
In this simple song God gave me a new list of questions to consider:
Verse 1
Who could you smile at?
Who could you touch?
Who could you share with?
Who could you hug?
Who could you touch?
Who could you share with?
Who could you hug?
As He sings I start thinking: Everybody is glad to see a smile. Lots of people long for a warm touch or hug. I could share a stick of gum, or a cookie. I began to brain storm while God continued the melody.
God:
How could you bring me glory?
How could you bring me praise?
What could you do or say today to bring honor and glory my way?
How could you bring me praise?
What could you do or say today to bring honor and glory my way?
Verse 2
Who could you listen to?
Who could you help?
Who could you pray for?
Who could you love?
Chorus:
How could you bring me glory?
How could you bring me praise?
What could you do or say today to bring honor and glory my way?
As I considered this new list I realized all of these questions had hundreds of right answers. All of a sudden, it felt like the test I was facing was easy. I realized that no matter what was going on with my circumstances, God would be honored that day if I would share my love and share His love in very simple ways. When I realized something as easy as giving a smile pleases the Lord, I started to sing too:
Fink:
I want to bring God glory.
I want to bring God praise.
What could I do or say today to bring honor and glory God’s way?
I want to bring God praise.
What could I do or say today to bring honor and glory God’s way?
Think about it: What simple thing could you do to bring God glory today?
Thanks again for your prayers, e-mails, cards and words of encouragement. They help!
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