Pure Joy Update Written 11-27-07

When I thought about what to write in this update I considered the phrase: I’m finished with four rounds of chemo. In a way that is true, but in a way it is not. I am no longer hooked up to the IV pole. It takes about four hours for me to receive the chemicals: Taxotere, Cytoxan & Adriamycin. 24 hours later I go back for an injection of Neulasta, which helps prevent infections by treating neutropenia (low white blood cell count) caused by the chemotherapy. But it takes 2-3 weeks before I feel normal. Every three weeks I go back for another round of chemo, so really there are only a few days that I feel strong again.

For me chemotherapy is similar to repelling down a cliff. When I’m at the top of the cliff I have a decent amount of energy. (It is never as good as it was before started this cancer treatment.) The descent is not like an airplane in a nose dive that crashes. I don’t walk away from a chemo session immediately feeling horrible, but I can feel my strength and appetite sinking for a couple days. By day three I lay pretty low. My energy is missing; my heartbeat jumps to 120 just to walk across the room, and the nausea medications create a brain fog and drowsiness. One time I tried to go somewhere on day three and the drive made the nausea much worse. Another time I moved quickly to answer the phone, and that caused vomiting. (Fortunately, I had a trash can by the desk.) On day three, it just makes sense to lay down most of the day and move slowly if I get up. On Monday I don’t feel like being in bed all day and I start the climb back to the top. It takes a good two weeks before my energy gets back to where it was before I had before I had my last chemo. The secondary infections that I have had make the climb harder. I have thrush again, so I’m using an awful tasting mouthwash and taking Fluconzaole one time a day for two weeks. So the phrase “I’m finished with four” isn’t quite accurate.

But I can say I’m far enough away from the fourth treatment to start feeling better.

And I am energized by some wonderful news:

Sharon will be giving her senior recital this Saturday, December 1, 2007.

A whole bunch of our relatives and friends are coming for it. I am especially delighted that my sister and her son Bob, and my brother and two of his daughters, and Joseph and Janelle and Josiah are coming!

Proverbs 17:22 says, “A cheerful heart is good medicine.”

I have felt more energy this time than any other time, and I know it is a reflection of the excitement I feel in my heart. Sharon has worked so hard for years and we are extremely proud of her. Many of you know that she broke both arms last year and could not play the piano for several months. It thrills my heart big time to know that her arms have healed so well that she can play the piano several hours a day. We thank the Lord for her recovery and for her life. She is not just a great pianist. She is a great person who loves the Lord and loves other people. Her life is a beautiful song.

Her senior recital program includes these works:

J. S. Bach English Suite No. 4 in F Major

L. van Beethoven Sonata No. 16 in G Major, Op. 31, No. 1

Franz Liszt Benediction of God in Solitude from his Poetic and Religious Pieces

Dmitri Shostakovich Prelude and Fugue in D minor, Op. 87, No. 24

John Field Nocturne No. 14 in G major

Samuel Barber Nocturne Op. 33 (Homage to John Field)

Please continue to pray for me and pray for Sharon. We both want to be healthy and be able to enjoy her recital and all the guests this weekend.

Third Chemo Treatment

I had my third chemo on treatment October 26; the first week after chemo was rather difficult with secondary infections as well as the expected nausea and fatigue. So I am three for three as far as needing antibiotics to fight uninvited infections after chemo. Normally, I like to be around people who are consistent. But I will be very grateful if the next times I miss that part.

I had thrush this time which is a fungal infection. It was similar to the thrush babies get sometimes, but thrush can be very serious for a person on chemo because the immune system is so compromised. Fortunately, I contacted the nurse the first day I noted that my tongue was covered in a white substance and the infection started subsiding before the painful sores on my tongue and esophagus developed. Some people have sores so bad they can hardly stand to eat or drink anything with thrush, but I did not miss a meal and I am grateful for that.

I have written another poem that I'll share with you. It is called "I Praise You" and is a prayer of thanksgiving. Many of you should recognize yourself the third stanza as the ones who prayed, or sent a card, etc. I do thank God for each one of you. Your support helps more than you know.

I Praise You
By: Fink Holloway
November 2, 2007

Lord, I praise You for the pokes
And I praise You for the pain.
I know there is a purpose
And this process helps me gain

Precious time with my family
And with precious people too
As well as a perspective that makes me new.

So I praise You for the pokes
And I praise You for the pain
I know there is a purpose
And this process helps me gain

More appreciation for Your peace
And Your mighty power too.
The comfort of Your presence
Has calmed me through and through.

I praise You for the people
That provide support along the way.
I praise You for the words, the gifts, and cards
That inspire me every day.

I praise You for all my “family” who make time to pray
And for the ones who help in such practical ways.
I praise You for the people who prepare the food
And for those who accompany me to appointments too.
Their presence is so precious and helps my courage to renew.

I praise you for my husband who is a jewel to keep.
He has been so kind and he holds me when I weep.

I praise You for the people that I have just met
Because of this detour that I take without regret.

I praise You because You know the reason for this path that I take
And I praise You because You are wise and You make no mistakes.

I praise You, Lord, for the numerous ways
You help me preserve with pure joy in these difficult days.
I praise You.

Brooklynn Brings Pure Joy

Our granddaughter dressed as a fairy

"Whys" Before Your Cross

Here's a poem by Ruth Graham, Billy Graham's wife,
that my mom sent me several years ago.

"I lay my 'whys' before your cross
in worship kneeling
My mind too numb for thought
My heart beyond all feeling
And worshipping, realize that I in knowing you
don't need a 'why'."

Jerry & Fink Holloway Family

Jerry & Fink Holloway Family

Back Row: David, Joseph, Jerry

Front Row: Brittney, Sharon, Janelle, Brooklynn on Fink's lap

Chemotherapy Journey

I know some of you have heard about my progress through the chemo journey already, but others who don't see me very often have not had a very recent update. So this will fill you in.

I had quite of few of the expected side effects from chemo. Nausea, etc. I lost most of my hair between the first and second rounds of chemo and that was much harder than I expected.

On the morning of October 4th, before my shower I wrote these scriptures in my journal: "Isaiah 60:1 Arise, shine; For your light has come: And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold the darkness shall cover the earth and deep darkness the people; But the Lord will arise over you (Me) and His glory will be seen upon you (Me)...Then you (I) shall see and become radiant and your (My) heart shall swell with joy." While pondering those verses I wrote: "Lord during this time of balding and chemo, when my human eyes look a t a human body that is less desirable, help me to see as you see--not as a flowed form, but as a willing container (imperfect at its best) that is capable of holding the Light of God, and the glory of the Lord. I want to be radiant with the beauty of Jesus and have heart that swells with joy. I want to know pure joy in the midst of my trials."

But about one hour later after my shower I wrote this: "So much for the joy!!! Right now I am stunned, and somewhere near tears because I took a shower and lost a ton of hair again. This has been going on for several days now. But for some reason this morning it feels different. It's one thing to finish your shower and know my hair looks thinner today. But today, you can see past the remaining hairs to my scalp in so many places! I am not thoroughally bald, but the process of going bald is so significant that volcanoes of emotion are ready to erupt without warning.

"Help me to remember, Lord, that my real joy is NOT predicated on outer appearance. My joy is Jesus joy that swells from a heart that is totally at peace with God. My heart is clean and I need a supernatural dose of Jesus joy to carry me through the day."

And with that prayer I made it through the day without tears, but in the safety of my home I cried again that night. And cried again several other times.

A few days later I wrote about the balding experience again:

October 9, 2007
"Why does it hurt so much to be forced to change our appearance? People dye their hair, or cut it off or put on a wig to get a new and different look every day. Many people do it for fun or to get attention. So why does the bald head must wear a wig routine seem so painful for someone on chemo? 1) I think it is because it is an unwanted change. We were forced to change because of circumstances out of control. 2) It is unexpected. You can tell someone: "You will go bald" all day. But nothing can really prepare you for the sight of yourself with so much scalp shining through. 3) It feels like a robbery. I feel violated: Like something has been taken from me that I valued. .....I know it is a temporary problem. I know it know it has no eternal significance. But that is no consolation to my emotions."

Besides the hair loss, I had a couple secondary infections with fever after my first round of chemo. So I was given an injection of Neulasta (which is supposed to boost my white blood cell count and prevent infections) after my second treatment. The normal range for white blood cells is 3.4-9.8. Mine was 8.9 before I started chemo. But a week after the second chemo my white blood cell count is still quite low 1.1 even with the Neulasta, and I have developed another infection. This time it's not a cold or fever. My port is infected, so I am on my third round of antibiotics. So I invite you to pray about my port problems. I am sure as you read this you can tell I do need your prayers and support, and I appreciate them more than I could ever say.

2nd Chemo Treatment

I have my second round of chemo on Friday, October 5th. I have had several secondary infections since my first round and may have a transfusion of white blood cells after this one to help me fight infection.