Jerry & Fink Holloway Family

Jerry & Fink Holloway Family

Back Row: David, Joseph, Jerry

Front Row: Brittney, Sharon, Janelle, Brooklynn on Fink's lap

Chemotherapy Journey

I know some of you have heard about my progress through the chemo journey already, but others who don't see me very often have not had a very recent update. So this will fill you in.

I had quite of few of the expected side effects from chemo. Nausea, etc. I lost most of my hair between the first and second rounds of chemo and that was much harder than I expected.

On the morning of October 4th, before my shower I wrote these scriptures in my journal: "Isaiah 60:1 Arise, shine; For your light has come: And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold the darkness shall cover the earth and deep darkness the people; But the Lord will arise over you (Me) and His glory will be seen upon you (Me)...Then you (I) shall see and become radiant and your (My) heart shall swell with joy." While pondering those verses I wrote: "Lord during this time of balding and chemo, when my human eyes look a t a human body that is less desirable, help me to see as you see--not as a flowed form, but as a willing container (imperfect at its best) that is capable of holding the Light of God, and the glory of the Lord. I want to be radiant with the beauty of Jesus and have heart that swells with joy. I want to know pure joy in the midst of my trials."

But about one hour later after my shower I wrote this: "So much for the joy!!! Right now I am stunned, and somewhere near tears because I took a shower and lost a ton of hair again. This has been going on for several days now. But for some reason this morning it feels different. It's one thing to finish your shower and know my hair looks thinner today. But today, you can see past the remaining hairs to my scalp in so many places! I am not thoroughally bald, but the process of going bald is so significant that volcanoes of emotion are ready to erupt without warning.

"Help me to remember, Lord, that my real joy is NOT predicated on outer appearance. My joy is Jesus joy that swells from a heart that is totally at peace with God. My heart is clean and I need a supernatural dose of Jesus joy to carry me through the day."

And with that prayer I made it through the day without tears, but in the safety of my home I cried again that night. And cried again several other times.

A few days later I wrote about the balding experience again:

October 9, 2007
"Why does it hurt so much to be forced to change our appearance? People dye their hair, or cut it off or put on a wig to get a new and different look every day. Many people do it for fun or to get attention. So why does the bald head must wear a wig routine seem so painful for someone on chemo? 1) I think it is because it is an unwanted change. We were forced to change because of circumstances out of control. 2) It is unexpected. You can tell someone: "You will go bald" all day. But nothing can really prepare you for the sight of yourself with so much scalp shining through. 3) It feels like a robbery. I feel violated: Like something has been taken from me that I valued. .....I know it is a temporary problem. I know it know it has no eternal significance. But that is no consolation to my emotions."

Besides the hair loss, I had a couple secondary infections with fever after my first round of chemo. So I was given an injection of Neulasta (which is supposed to boost my white blood cell count and prevent infections) after my second treatment. The normal range for white blood cells is 3.4-9.8. Mine was 8.9 before I started chemo. But a week after the second chemo my white blood cell count is still quite low 1.1 even with the Neulasta, and I have developed another infection. This time it's not a cold or fever. My port is infected, so I am on my third round of antibiotics. So I invite you to pray about my port problems. I am sure as you read this you can tell I do need your prayers and support, and I appreciate them more than I could ever say.

2nd Chemo Treatment

I have my second round of chemo on Friday, October 5th. I have had several secondary infections since my first round and may have a transfusion of white blood cells after this one to help me fight infection.

I am - You Are

I'd like to share a thought from my journal that contrasts what I am feeling or experiencing some of the time with what Jesus is All of the Time.

Yesterday, I spent most of my birthday alone and resting because I had a low grade fever and cold. On an ordinary day I would just ignore those symptoms and expect to heal on the go. But the chemo had caused my white blood cell counts to drop from 8.7 to 1.7 and I knew my body’s ability to fight infection was greatly compromised. During the day I wept as I realized that what I was experiencing after my first chemo treatment was going to be repeated for several months.

I am — You Are
By Fink Holloway
September 22, 2007

I don’t want to be so medicated.
I don’t want to be so nauseated.
I don’t want to be so constipated.
I don’t want to be so isolated.
I don’t want to feel so frustrated.

But sometimes

I am.

But God, when I consider who you are
Not just who you are today, but every day,
I know I can still trust you.

You are my Savior.
You are my king.
You put a song in my heart
That I still want to sing.

You are the reason I can persevere with pure joy.
You give me a hope that nothing I face in this life could ever destroy.
You are my life jacket.
You are my peace.
You are the reason I can relax and find sweet release.

You know how to heal
You know when I call.
You know how many hairs are still on my head.
You know when they will all fall.

God, when I consider who
YOU ARE
Not just who you are today, but every day
I know I can still trust you.
And I do!

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Fink appreciates your support and prayers while she walks through the cancer experience.

Roxie Carlton

New Port, Chemo Appt

I had a new port implanted yesterday (Wednesday, 9/12/2007). That surgery went well, and I am planning to begin my chemo tomorrow afternoon (Friday, 9/14/2007). I plan to ride with Jerry to Springdale and work at the Schmieding Center in the morning. Then my friend Valerie is going to take me to the Highlands Oncolocy Group at 1:00. Jerry plans to meet us there. The treatment will take about 3 hours, but tomorrow I have to do blood work first and I expect it to take longer this first time.

I will be having a chemo treatment every three weeks for 6 weeks, so that takes me right up to the new year with the chemo. I expect to stay home from work when I feel like I have been hit by a freight train, and work when I feel like I can think clearly enough to contribute. Technically the cancer books don't say I will feel like I've been hit by a train, but some of the feed back from people who have been down that road gives that impression. If it is easier for me I'll be grateful. Whether it is a breeze or quite miserable, I know that I won't be facing it alone. The good Lord and dozens of you friends are travelling with me, and I am comforted by that!

One of the cards my mom sent had these words:
With God behind you and his arms beneath you, you can face whatever lies ahead of you! "Deuteronomy 33:27 Underneath are the everlasting arms."

Thanks for praying!

Gaze at the Lord

I expect to be at Washington Regional Hospital on Tuesday morning for pre-op work (paper work, blood work, e.k.g., etc,). Then on Tuesday afternoon I meet with a genetic counselor to help establish my risk factors. I meet with my oncologist after that to get the details about my first chemo treatment, discuss possible side effects and ask questions.

Wednesday I’ll be back at the hospital at 7:45am to get a port which will be used for the chemo. The MRI & sentinel node IVs caused an acute inflammatory response, so the port is needed before chemo—which should begin on Friday the 14. So keep me in your prayers.

My mother had breast cancer in 1988, and the poem I wrote then is relevant now for me.

Gaze at the Lord
By: Fink Holloway
July 27, 1988

When life isn't giving me its best
And I'm being put right to the test
It's easy to let my thoughts dwell on the trouble
But doing that makes it all seem to double.
So should I bury my head in the sand,
And pretend that all is great at hand?
No, but when facing reality I can't afford
To forget about my Sovereign Lord.
I'll glance at the trouble,
But gaze at the Lord.
I'll remember that He is the One adored.

Then, when life is awesome and great
Should I just enjoy myself and celebrate?
No, in health or success I still can't afford
To forget about my sovereign Lord.
I'll glance at this world,
But gaze at the Lord,
And remember that He is the One adored.

When I look at Him my priorities become right.
Things that won't last don't make me up tight.
If it won't even matter when we get up there
It shouldn't consume me--be a constant care.
Though I glance at this life,
I must gaze at the Lord
And remember that He is the One adored.

Whether you're happy or sad
Whether it's great or it's bad
Just glance at the circumstances.
Gaze at the Lord.
Remember, He is the One adored.

"Gaze at the Lord"
Copyright 1988:
Fink Holloway
22692 Hwy. 295
Wesley, AR 72773
479-456-2949